I am asking myself if this is really what I wanted.
When you come to a point in your life when you’ve had enough battles just to fight for the one you love, you just want to find a love that you no longer have to fight for. A love that is given because you deserve it. A love that needs not be fought for because it is strong. A love that does not require you to be in a battle for the one you love, because you are both fighting together.
When we were together, I kept asking myself if it was really what I wanted. I knew that I did. Yet, a part of me questioned my own heart because I knew I was done with fighting for love. I knew, that moment, I wanted to be the one being fought for.
But I kept fighting. I fought for you. I fought hard. At the start of the battle, I knew I had no chances of winning. I had lost it the moment I went in to it. All I held onto was the hope that the fight will be worth it.
Do you know what was the worst part of the battle? When I realized that it was actually you who took away all my chances of winning the fight. You were my greatest opponent. You gave up on me, on us. You were the one who decided that I lost.
And there I was, thinking, believing that you actually wanted me to win.
It was a game of cat and mouse. A never ending dance, choreographed by pulls and pushes. An infinite loop of ups and downs. We both need to stop playing this game. We both need to stop this dance. We both need to cut this loop.
I am done trying. I am done fighting. I am done hoping.
And as I start anew, I have to leave the past behind. I have to leave you behind.
I am grateful for all that we’ve shared and I will always be thankful for how you made me feel. It still hurts that you left, but it is now clear to me why you had to. We lose what we value so that we can learn to value ourselves. I was so afraid that the void you left will always pull me down, but God knew how to fill in that void. When you left, I knew that you knew there was no turning back. Yet, I deeply wished and hoped and prayed that you would come back, I left the doors open even when I knew you had the keys.
We’ve reached the point of no return. The tipping point. The pivotal moment. I wish you well, I genuinely pray for your happiness. I hope you find the peace you’ve been looking for.
As for me, I have changed the locks.