I promised myself I won’t write about you. Here I am typing words that I can only blame to missing you. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s how the day went, maybe it’s because I have seen a lot about you today.

You are an amazing person, I know I’ve told you that. Now I want you to know a lot of things, things I never told you. I write them where a lot of people can see it; only because I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to write them directly for you alone.

The first time I saw you, well not really you, your picture, there was something in your eyes that caught my heart. I couldn’t explain it back then, I just knew you were someone I’d like to meet and get to know. I never realized back then that those eyes will capture my whole being in the next months that will follow. The eyes, that until now, haunt me.

Few months later, you reached out to me. I never expected it, in fact I have forgotten about you that time. And many more instances after that you would always reach out, always making the first move. I knew I will take the risk. I knew, looking into those eyes the first time I saw them in real life, that I wanted to know you more.

But I was scared. I was scared because I knew for a fact that if I get to know someone so much, I ran the risk of falling in love. I knew I could fall in love with you but I told myself I wouldn’t.

Life threw us a chance to get to know each other. In so many random and unconnected ways, it brought us closer. We took that spontaneity and made it a serendipity.

Finally, I got to know someone who can  silence my demons, the monsters inside my head. Finally, I have met someone who was willing to swim with me until I get out of the abyss. Finally, there was someone willing to walk beside me as I journey through life.

I realized there is someone who has made the effort to break down my walls and go into my life.

You don’t know how much that made me happy. You don’t know how much you made me happy. You don’t know how much you made me love you.

As I knew you, peeling through layers of your being, I got more and more confused. It was terrible not knowing where the line between us lie. No, it was terrible knowing where the line between us lie and I stupidly crossed it. I was not supposed to fall in love with you. I told myself I wouldn’t. I did. I do. I love you.

The more I dug deeper the more I knew about you. The deeper I fell too.

Now I can say I know you so well. I have seen you through your best and through your worst. The painful realization, however, is that at the moment I realized I already know so much about you, that was when I realized I never really knew you.

In the many moments we shared, all of those had me looking into your eyes. It felt as though I was looking into your soul. Through you. You allowed me to go in.

I knew I wanted to care for that person I met inside the walls you, too, have created. I wanted to hold the face that hid behind the many masks you put on. Your eyes pierced through me, but I wondered if they were really looking at me.

I wanted you to know that you are an amazing person. One of the best people I ever met. I can write so many things about you–from the way your hair looks just as you wake up, to the ways you eat, to the weird look you have on your face when you do something unnoticed, to the way your eyes twinkle when you smile. I can write about how you’re afraid of the dark, or how much you hate the cold, or how you like to be held when you’re overthinking things.

I can write about how proud I am of you. Of how I know you will bring a lot of great things to this world. I can write about how much I want to tell the world of your potentials. Of how I wish I can be there to see you reach your goals.

I am so confused. So confused that you can see it in the way I wrote this. If you read the lines and between them you’d see how ambivalent I am about you. I love you. I hate you. I want to be near you. I want to stay away from you. I miss you. I don’t want to miss you. I want to run after you. I want you to run after me.

You made me ask so many questions. You made search for answers.

I found all answers I think I need. Yes, I do. You’re the only answer I don’t have. The missing piece in the puzzle. The part that left a void in me.

You’re the one I lost. Or am I the one you lost?

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