If you ask me what I want, I can only tell you how much I wish you could have chosen me. I wish you could tell me you would choose to be with me, you would decide to spend your life with me.

That is what hurts. That wish, that hope, is what pains me.

I never thought I could love you this way. I kept telling myself this is not love and this is all a fleeting emotion because you made me happy in many ways no one ever did. I kept wondering if I like you or I simply like the idea of you. I kept asking if I love you or I love what you make me feel. I know the answer, the painful truth. I have fallen in love with you when I should not have. I have fallen in love with you when I should have kept my distance. I have fallen in love with you when I should have stayed in the boundary of our friendship.

I love you and I keep hoping you could love me the same way. I love you and I wish I can just express it and make you feel it. I love you and I just want to do everything to make you happy.

All my life I have been wishing for someone to come my way and make me feel less lonely. Someone would just be there and take away all my fears. Someone would stay. Someone would see me the way I want to be seen. Someone would listen the way I wish to be heard. You are that someone. But I can’t have you. I can’t love you. I can’t be with you.

I hate myself for always falling for someone who is in love with someone else. It had been a cycle that I have endlessly lived in. I have always been afraid of being rejected. Of not being loved. Of being made invisible. Of not being chosen. But I do. I always get left behind. I am always the last option. I am never enough.

I have been told many times that I deserve to be loved. That I am more than enough. But I have always validated my feelings. I have always been slapped in the face by reality that I can only love someone and not be loved back. Or be loved by someone I cannot love. Or love someone who loves me but doesn’t love me enough to be with me.

This is my destiny. This is my life. This is who I am.

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