I haven’t written a sensible blog for months. I haven’t written anything literary for quite some time now.
It’s been a very busy time for me – writing and gathering data for my master’s thesis, preparing lessons for the classes I teach (I handle 4 undergraduate courses, so yeah, that’s a lot of preparations), handling projects and patients for the clinic, and doing some stuff for the family and the family business. I have been too busy that I haven’t had really much time for myself, much more to my own issues and the things that make my mind look like Narnia or the Battle of Hogwarts.
Recently, I went to a solitary trip just to take a break from work and all the buzz of Narnia. The trip made me think, rather rethink, the decisions I’ve made as I entered the new chapters of this 20 something years of this life. (Don’t ask the age, it’s illegal.) I again made a few reflections which, I think, could fill a blog space for now.
The quote of Tom Stoppard “We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.” has always been one of my favorite. Maybe because whenever people ask me what my plans are, I always say that I’ll cross my bridges when I come to them. Most often than not, I also burn them.
Since I graduated from college, I already knew that a time will come that I will have to leave the Philippines. Yes, I did several times when I went to Guam and stayed there, thinking perhaps it would be better to settle for good. But I always go back to the PH, often to fix anything that could help me settle abroad better. I have set myself a deadline – I will only stay in the PH up to 2012. After that, I will move abroad. But my recent decisions have brought me to a place where I need to stay here longer.
I burned another bridge. Perhaps, two.
I look back on that decision and I seem to not regret it. I mean, for a long time, now I can say I am happy with the life I am living and it is not because of who or what I have. I am happy, simply because I made decisions that allowed me to discover myself better. With that discovery came my understanding of myself and acceptance of who I am and what I can be. It had been a long, painful process to go through that acceptance. A point wherein I had to break myself apart, break myself down, just to get into the deepest parts of the abyss. I had to bring myself to the darkest part of the abyss so I can pull myself into the light. I had to endure endless sunsets before I finally, finally, saw the sunrise.
Lately, I’ve been surprised that a few (actually, a lot) of people from my past have been returning to my life. It feels good and it brings a sense of relief. Especially now that I have come to a closure from my issues and conflicts with them. Forgiveness came and all the pain had been overcome by a sense of new beginnings. Did I let them back into my life after all the pain they’ve brought? Yes. I did. Although not the same way as before, but I am just glad to have finally placed an ending to the chapters that were left unfinished. With that comes the chance for me to just focus on what is here now, and where I am headed.
I have missed my train because I was too busy enjoying the platform and the station. But nonetheless, I know that as I get on the next one, I will get to my destination. Late, but a lot better to face what the next stop will bring.
I can still see the smoke from the bridges I burned, sooner or later I might have to burn another one. Or who knows? Maybe I don’t have to.
Later guys. Stay safe, stay sane.
(Author’s note: originally published on October 7, 2012 on my old blog. I am moving its former contents to this page, hence a republishing of old posts.)