I don’t know where to start, so let me just start by saying I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss those daily conversations that got us involved in each other’s lives, even when we are literally an ocean apart. I miss how we supported each other as we worked to reach our dreams. I miss how I would immediately talk to you to share almost anything, whether it was good news or bad.
You told me last time that I should not be afraid of telling you that I miss you. You said it was something we should not hide from those who matter to us. So when I felt that I miss you, I wanted to immediately tell you. But I had to stop myself. I had to remind myself that things are no longer the same. You and I are no longer the same.
It was a painful reminder.
The thing is, I started missing you because someone else reminded me of you. This new “friend” acts in ways that are very much like you. I am cared for in the same way you did care for me. We talked about things that you and I used to talk about. When we were hanging out, it felt so much like how we were back then.
It was a happy feeling. I was happy. But, I can’t let myself feel that way again. Not now.
What I hate is how all of these feelings came back. How I start to recall each of our conversations. I felt so a sense of grief remembering how you got me thru the darkest moments of my life. I felt sad and I haven’t really figured out why. I had this unknown feeling of sadness.
A part of me yearns and wonders and wishes.
A part of me yearns to have you back. You left such a big void in my life that, honestly, made it difficult for me to connect with others. I kept the space you had in my life vacant, empty. I was hoping against hope that one day you will once again fill that void. One day, we will return to how we were. Sigh. How pathetic of me.
A part of me wonders what could have been had we not fallen apart. I wonder where we are and how we are had I chosen you that day. Are we happy? Are we together? Are we both saving lives? I don’t know. I won’t ever know. I never got to tell you why I did not choose you that day. Oh, how I badly wanted to! But at that time, we were so uncertain. We were so unsure. I was not sure. I was not sure if you will be brave enough to choose us. I was not sure if you will be ready to go into what could be waiting for us. Whenever I ask you, you gave me no clear answers. So I chose, at that moment, what I thought was certain.
A part of me wishes to move forward, to finally close the chapter I have kept open for so long. I wish that I could stop thinking of you. I wish that I can stop missing you. I wish that I can let go of this never-ending wait.
I knew loving you would ruin us. I lost you because I loved you. But you know what’s sad? It was not my feelings that broke us apart. We both know how you stayed and accepted the love I had. While you loved me differently, you never left. You did not let that love that I had destroy the friendship that we have.
I ruined it.
I ruined it by trying to get rid of what I felt for you. I tried so hard to forget the feelings I had. So I went, quickly and foolishly, to whoever can help me forget. I was in a rush to show you that I can love someone else. I was too arrogant to think that I can move away from you. And when you made me choose, I did not choose you. And things were never the same.
Here I am writing this, knowing you will never read it anyway. I guess I need to let these out. It has been eating me up for a long time now. I need to let go. I need to open up that space for whoever is willing to be there, or maybe I will fill it up myself.
You were my best friend. You were my one great love. You were.